Sunday, August 03, 2008

Jesus is Making for us the Chicken

Jesus is making for us the chicken.

We will give thanks to him, Jesus, for it is for us that he has bestowed the chicken.

And seriously, those empty chicken eyes, all glassy, malignant voids of darkness, and clear hosts to the majesty of the dark lord.

Chik-Fil-A is the lord’s venue for the word on the front of fast food and in this we must rejoice.

Jesus too has made for us the pizza.

We will give thanks to his majesty and rejoice in this sacrament of dough and cheese (made with real milk, ye of little faith), and spicy sauce with but a hint of sugar.

Incredible Pizza Company is the lord’s secret way of delving within the recesses of your wayward soul and touching us with his word all through the sacred joys of pizza and shitty video games.


Yes people, yay verily, and so shall it be that his majesty is in the business of cheap, nutritionally worthless fast-food and mindless electronic entertainments served up at the mercy of a token. This token will go down like the very wafer, an analogue of his flesh made real and transposed into the gleeful faces of fat, ruddy faced children.

What would Jesus eat?

Jesus eats pizza and chicken.

Peculiar this shunning of the bovine culinary delights seeing as how the cow has been granted certain sacred qualities in other equally ill-informed monotheistic ventures. You would think that we would shove as much cow flesh into our massive yet ironically malnourished bellies as was humanly possible.

Oh yeah, we do.

Just not at Chik-Fil-A.

Chik-Fil-A isn’t even open on the lord’s day. Yeah, that’s right; Sundays are for worship, not eating chicken. How’s that for devotion? Never mind that fried foods in highly saturated oil is tantamount to a slow and controlled genocide on a mass scale. That’s no sin.

Check out this little excerpt from Wiki on the Chik-Fil-A god hookup (warning: it’s fucking retarded):

Religious connections

Chick-fil-A founder S. Truett Cathy is a devout Southern Baptist who has taught Sunday School for over 44 years and whose religious beliefs permeate the company to this day. The company's official statement of corporate purpose says that the business exists "to glorify God by being a faithful steward of all that is entrusted to us and to have a positive influence on all who come in contact with Chick-fil-A." The chain invests heavily in community services (especially for children and teenagers) and scholarships. Cathy's beliefs are also responsible for one of the chain's distinctive features: All Chick-fil-A locations (company-owned and franchised, whether in a mall or freestanding) are closed on Sundays.

Our decision to close on Sunday was our way of honoring God and directing our attention to things more important than our business. If it took seven days to make a living with a restaurant, then we needed to be in some other line of work. Through the years, I have never wavered from that position.

—S. Truett Cathy [5]
The religious organizations to which Truett Cathy and Chick-fil-A have lent support include such groups as Focus on the Family. Groups researching financial support of religious groups have noted that Truett Cathy is one of the largest corporate sponsors of politically active religious groups in the US, largely through grants from the Truett Cathy Foundation but occasionally through direct sponsorship as well or through partnership with other foundations that are major corporate sponsors of politically active religious groups.[citation needed]
Chick-fil-A has promoted religious groups via toys and CDs included in children's meals, much as movie studios promote new movies via McDonald's Happy Meal toys. These have ranged from including toys from the Christian television series VeggieTales in children's meals to including Financial Peace for Kids children's books by Christian financial guru Dave Ramsey and CDs from the Christian radio program Adventures in Odyssey, as children's meal incentives. The latter show is produced by the radio division of Focus on the Family, and typically heard on Christian radio stations.
Chick-fil-A and Focus on the Family also have a history of cross-promotion. Chick-fil-A has also sponsored meetings by the group All Pro Dad; All Pro Dad is a group with affiliations with Focus on the Family via a group called Family First; Family First promotes a large number of conservative religious causes, including covenant marriage.
Chick-fil-A has also directly sponsored other religious campaigns. One of the groups sponsored by Chick-fil-A is Athletes In Action which is a sports missionary arm of the Campus Crusade for Christ.
Another link between Chick-fil-A and religious groups includes promotion of National Bible Week. Truett Cathy is the chair of the National Bible Week Committee.
Amidst the company's push to the southwest, Las Vegas remains the southernmost metropolitan area without a Chick-fil-A location.[6]
Truett Cathy is also heavily involved in the WinShape Foundation, a non-profit organization which was started in 1984 with its goal to "shape winners" by offering summer camps, retreats, foster care, and other services.
Chick-fil-A's connection to Christianity has even been brought up in court when Aziz Latif, a Houston-based Muslim employee for 6 years, sued the company in 2002 for firing him, alleging that he was fired for his religious beliefs when he had refused to take part in an employee prayer.[7] The suit was settled on undisclosed terms.[8]

Know why the suit was settled? Because the guy was right.

Jesus is making for us the hypocrites. Hope you enjoy it because you asked for it.