Well okay, I'm back. I made my blog private for a while, and then promptly wrote not a single word in the fucking thing. Such is my life.
Much has happened since my last post. I have moved. That's all you need to know about the big stuff.
I continue to rediscover my devotion to heavy metal, and I must admit that I have not had so much fun with music in many years.
My art, my writing, my music, basically anything that I do to express myself creatively has been placed deep on the back burner in light of all that has come in the last few months.
I love, fucking love living, but I also hate it more than I could ever imagine, which is to say that my hatred for life is ever expanding, ever finding new corners in which to foster itself and develop into a cancer of epic proportion.
And I'm 40.
So, no, to my twenty year old self, worrying that I would lose my edge and become all Dalai Lama with a lobotomy if I lived to this tender age, no, it didn't happen. I have learned to be wary of humanity more and more with each passing year. And honestly, thank god for that.
I see myself as a huge teenager, prattling about, leaving a radioactive trail of ignorance in my wake, and generally wasting the precious time I have been given in this life. So, nothing new there.
I am hurtling towards a change, a sea change, a rift with the past that will find me more at ease in my skin, more in tune with the voices that drive me to open the gates and allow the cattle to come home, bellies full, a pasture left to regrow.
I need to keep up the focus on writing. That is not to say that I am somehow impressed with myself, though I think it is fair to find my own writing serviceable and not just a little bit juvenile (or self-indulgent to the point of being off-putting for that matter), it is meant more as a way of expressing my own need to communicate in a creative fashion whatever it is that allows me to look in the mirror and not shrivel away into a husk of disgust and self loathing. That, I could do with the slightest provocation.
I am a regular weekly contributor to a music oriented blog called the Nonalignment Pact. At the NAP (as we affectionately call it), I have done a fairly good job of painting myself into a sort of corner.
See, here's the deal. I have a bit of a mouth on me when I write candidly. I just do. It's my voice. In the almost two years that we have been doing that little experiment I have managed to piss off damn near everyone who walked through the place. Mission accomplished? Well, yes and no.
Let me explain.
Yes, mission accomplished because the languor with which we have conducted ourselves has a tendency to make me feel jumpy. I like the lively discussion. Thing is, I stick in craws whenever I do it. It's maybe a side effect, or perhaps it's more of a symptom.
And so, no, mission not accomplished because I don't have any interest in quashing interaction not only between the NAP and the outside world (or each other for that matter), but also between myself and the rest of the entire universe.
I mean, fuck. Am I either that boring, provocative, or just plain stupid?
Yes, many might say.
But objectively so?
I doubt it.
So, what am I after here?
Who knows. Shit, who cares.