Thursday, July 24, 2008

The Hiatus, One Foot Into Another Hiatus

Well okay, I'm back. I made my blog private for a while, and then promptly wrote not a single word in the fucking thing. Such is my life.

Much has happened since my last post. I have moved. That's all you need to know about the big stuff.

I continue to rediscover my devotion to heavy metal, and I must admit that I have not had so much fun with music in many years.

My art, my writing, my music, basically anything that I do to express myself creatively has been placed deep on the back burner in light of all that has come in the last few months.

I love, fucking love living, but I also hate it more than I could ever imagine, which is to say that my hatred for life is ever expanding, ever finding new corners in which to foster itself and develop into a cancer of epic proportion.

And I'm 40.

So, no, to my twenty year old self, worrying that I would lose my edge and become all Dalai Lama with a lobotomy if I lived to this tender age, no, it didn't happen. I have learned to be wary of humanity more and more with each passing year. And honestly, thank god for that.

I see myself as a huge teenager, prattling about, leaving a radioactive trail of ignorance in my wake, and generally wasting the precious time I have been given in this life. So, nothing new there.

I am hurtling towards a change, a sea change, a rift with the past that will find me more at ease in my skin, more in tune with the voices that drive me to open the gates and allow the cattle to come home, bellies full, a pasture left to regrow.

I need to keep up the focus on writing. That is not to say that I am somehow impressed with myself, though I think it is fair to find my own writing serviceable and not just a little bit juvenile (or self-indulgent to the point of being off-putting for that matter), it is meant more as a way of expressing my own need to communicate in a creative fashion whatever it is that allows me to look in the mirror and not shrivel away into a husk of disgust and self loathing. That, I could do with the slightest provocation.

I am a regular weekly contributor to a music oriented blog called the Nonalignment Pact. At the NAP (as we affectionately call it), I have done a fairly good job of painting myself into a sort of corner.

See, here's the deal. I have a bit of a mouth on me when I write candidly. I just do. It's my voice. In the almost two years that we have been doing that little experiment I have managed to piss off damn near everyone who walked through the place. Mission accomplished? Well, yes and no.

Let me explain.

Yes, mission accomplished because the languor with which we have conducted ourselves has a tendency to make me feel jumpy. I like the lively discussion. Thing is, I stick in craws whenever I do it. It's maybe a side effect, or perhaps it's more of a symptom.

And so, no, mission not accomplished because I don't have any interest in quashing interaction not only between the NAP and the outside world (or each other for that matter), but also between myself and the rest of the entire universe.

I mean, fuck. Am I either that boring, provocative, or just plain stupid?

Yes, many might say.

Fair enough.

But objectively so?

I doubt it.

So, what am I after here?

Who knows. Shit, who cares.


stacey said...

so, I can monitor here, if you like, or I can not. finding oneself online publicly can be a bit difficult, I'd imagine, but when is it ever easy?

my family has lately found it very interesting to contemplate the concept of failing, and when it's ok to do so, and just generally the rules around it. funny that we even think there are rules about it. funny that we even call it failing.

but we wonder about it because we do it all the time and we finally came to the conclusion, it's ok to fail. It's ok to 'stick in the craw' of people because you didn't mean to. We simply meant to stimulate and have the conversation we wanted to have with the other person or group. Just as an example.

It's just a lesson in expression.

And I look forward to see how you develop that in your writing.

John Cramer said...

Funny, but I've never considered myself a failure so to speak, more perhaps as someone who is always off by a few steps. I suspect that success is something that I tend to define in much smaller terms than most.

And don't be deceived into believing that I never intentionally insert self in craw. I often have and will surely continue. It's the veracity of the reaction that defines the future of my position on things. The NAP left me feeling as though moving on was the only sensible solution to a growing problem. In my mind, that's not a failure at all, that's growth.

stacey said...

So after reading your comment and re-reading mine I thought I was doomed to only communicate to you in nonsensical language, which could still happen, but I was hoping that at least *I* would still know what I was talking about.
In this case, I didn't. What the hell am I talking about? Failing? I really doubt I mean that Cramer is failing at anything. And after racking my mind over it for a couple of hours, and then thinking to myself, ok, it was just a week ago that I got in the shower and forgot to actually wash my hair, a day later I get in and shave only one leg, a day later I think I'm making a napcast but decide it's already been done that week (when it hadn't), then vaguely remembered, oh yeah, I messed up. Sorry.

THEN finally remembered, when talking about 'failing' I just meant not communicating the way I/we/he/she/it best meant to. And was making more a comment on me and Artie for ever even calling it failing in the first place.

So no, not funny, didn't mean to ever imply even slightly failure in your direction.

It just seemed you were a little down about it.

But I'm way more interested in you going off and doing some writing.

Myself, I'm new to this word thing, so I just hope my meaning is coming through somewhat clearly, and that is my goal on these blogs. I do take things a little too literally, so it could be that you didn't take it that way at all, but I just wanted to make sure.