Ignore this one

The view back to my past is always a scenic one, but it's also frought with more than a little ugliness. I've been blog browsing and happened to stumble across something a very old friend wrote about all those years ago, and it occurs to me that there are archetypal relationships that we develop (usually) early on in our lives which breed the often dubious honor of holding sway over the boundless grey that is our future. The way the past is portrayed stands in stark contrast to the way I remember things to be, and twenty years later it still bothers me (much to my surprise). I know we all follow whatever it is that motivates us to move on, and I am certainly no different; and if there's is one lesson I've learned from my adolescence, it's that by the time you realize that your life is never going to be quite what you had hoped it would be, it's basically too late to even bother thinking about it anymore.

When I think about the time I wasted believing things that were so far from true that it still hurts today to write about it, it only hurts in the sense that I get pissed with myself for ever being so gullible in the first place. When I was a kid I learned a hard lesson about not letting yourself be pushed around. And if there is one thing in life that makes me irrevocably angry, it's being lied to, and in effect bullied, by someone I care about. Because what it means is that the person you care so much for, respect so highly, trust so completely, does not share your feelings. And that, kids, is a hard lesson to learn. In fact, I hope that you, dear reader, never have to feel that way, because it is a total bitch.

And none of this would have entered my mind if I wasn't already feeling oddly sentimental thinking about how my mother is no more, and I am now stuck with a world of (let's face it) assholes.

I've lost my best friend, my closest ally, my biggest fan, and a major reason why life is worth the all-consuming black hole of shit I usually think it to be. And she knew this as well as anyone. In fact, we shared -and revelled- in our hatred for so much of what you represent. Sorry.

And so when I read about a world I knew existed, but don't like to think about too much, it makes me realize just how little I would ever want to return to my youth and have to relive the interminable hell it so often turned out to be. God, it's no wonder I was so fucking high all the time. A straight edge kid who was so unhappy, so bored, that anything was better than what I was not doing with my life.

Again, my apologies for the drama show here, but I often try to cloak my frustration and anger in nicer terms for those who read this so that they don't get either too disgusted, concerned, or bored with it, but today I say fuck it. I wasn't the happiest guy you ever met when my mother was well. Her absence has stolen a huge chunk of what I still have left.

But then again, what the fuck, I don't believe I get another shot at this, so let's see what happens next. Bring it on, and as long as I am still standing, I will laugh in your face.

I know who you really are, now don't you want to get to know me better?