GoTarts! otherwise known as RoadWhores!

On our trip last night to the local CVS, I was perusing the shelves for something amusing to look at when I happened across the sale item I could not control my urge to pick up. GoTarts!. Yeah. PopTarts for people on the go! Now I don't know about you, but when I am burning the candle at both ends on my way to my menial job, I really don't have a lot of time to fuck around. And you can bet your sweet ass that I don't have the time to prepare a standard two-tart foily bagged dose of PopTarts. So you can imagine my excitement when I stumble across an entire box of Chocolate Fudge flavored GoTarts! for only one American dollar.

Never mind that the whole idea of having a pastry that you can drop in the toaster so that you don't have to waste your precious time doing things like actually preparing a real meal has completely gone down the shitter years ago. I mean it's a PopTart for those on the go. Well fuck. If you're on the motherfucking go, then you are probably going to be one of those dolts who already eats PopTarts to begin with, right? How does putting one long, skinny, single, tubed tart down the toast chute go to improve things? Oh wait... long, skinny, tube shaped... down the... I get it.

All of this just brings me back to the townhouse I lived in with my brother and mom eons ago, and the fancy new product that hit the market at the time: Toaster Strudel. Again, the none-too-subtle name gives it away. Yes, a strudel-ish pastry item that you toast and then coat with this ghostly white "icing" (of sorts). It's magic for your mouth. It was the golden years for the tart trade. The tart magnates were raking it in back then. The heady Tart Revolution of '85.

But I digress... Let's get back to the tart in question.

You know, the makers of sugary snack foods must really have a bitch of a time figuring out how to remain in the minds and wallets of the consumer public, because basically taking your entry-level tart and turning it into a candy bar shaped version of itself, packaging them one at a time, and then spending millions of dollars to make them sound sexy, and inviting, and new, seems to this scribe to be a mindlessly hollow example of shameless marketing. I mean, for real, who the fuck falls for this sort of thing?

Naturally I bought two boxes.

They were only a dollar.